Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Jehovah's Witnesses, a Lemon Party and Assholes at Work.
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Berkeley and Bin Laden
Well goddamn its been a long time. Spring is here and the last thing I want to do is sit in front of a computer. However, plenty has been going on and I only expect this summer to liven up more.
Of course we all know if Bin Laden's death and the shitload of news and opinions that followed. I have only this to say: In times like these, one's true character is revealed. It's an old saying, but I think it applies given the variety of responses his killing has provoked.
The reason I chose to write about this is because I look back on how I reacted to terrorism on the morning of 9/11 and I cringe. I remember the range of emotions and confusion I felt that morning and I am glad to say I am not that guy anymore.
I remember being woken up by my girlfriend at the time in a very abrupt, panicked fashion which was completely out of the norm.
"Something really bad happened."
For all I knew, this was an accident and I had not yet seen the images on television. Shortly thereafter, a knock echoed from the front door. The upstairs neighbors had come down to see if we were aware of what was happening.
"Did you see what happened? A plane crashed into the Twin Towers"
"Oh wow, that's some cool shit" I said, completely unaware of the magnitude of the situation. I was further awoken to this fact with a punch on the shoulder from the neighbor.
"Seriously asshole, people are dead"
At that point I realized this was no joke. I turned on the TV immediately and like most Americans, my perspective of the world forever changed.
We spent a couple hours watching the news and she called blood centers for information on how to donate. She was always prepared and informed of such matters. I on the other hand paced the television, spitting out expletives, my body language spelling out my confusion and anger.
"Bin Laden did this" she said, quietly and somberly.
"Who the fuck is Bin Laden?!" I asked, incredulously. I honestly didn't know who the fuck this guy was, but I was ready for blood. I was like most Americans.
I saw the images of people celebrating in the streets of Baghdad I believe, and I completely lost composure, continuing my rant in an even more violent fashion. I called people savages. I repeated racist phrases I had just heard. I called for justice.
At one point, I looked over to see my girlfriend gazing upon me in complete shock and disgust. I could tell she was trying to hide it, but it was evident her opinion of me had just been irrevocably altered.
Perhaps the worst part is that I did not care. My anger had obscured all clear logic and critical thinking. I had turned into "one of them" in a matter of minutes. "Fuck you, I am angry! How can you sit there so peacefully?!?!" I thought.
Since 9/11, many things have changed for me, including my perspective, environment and education. In some ways, I cannot believe how incredibly ignorant I was. I can't believe how myopic and arrogant I was. Most of all, I can't believe how confused and angry I was.
Now that Bin Laden is dead, a decade has passed and my anger has pretty much faded away. I've found an environment I love and want to remain in forever. I figured out that I don't know shit, and I am blessed to find just a degree of wisdom and love in any given moment.
While seemingly trite and pedestrian, these realizations only scratch the surface of my changes, and I recognize they are but a small fraction of what will come. I embrace this and am no longer fearful. I am definitely not confused. However when I look around at my fellow Americans, I see all of the above and then some. Some of these people I have always genuinely respected. What now?
How could so many people openly celebrate the death of another human being? How could we show our children that it is never OK to kill- well that is, unless the dude is as bad as this guy was? How do we call ourselves a civilized society when frat boys are partying in the streets, celebrating the violent death of a terrorist? This is completely absurd to me, and I genuinely didn't understand it. That is, until I remembered how my ex looked at me that morning and recognized that was me ten years ago. I called for blood. I forgot how I was raised in those hours. I showed her just who I was in that moment.
Now that I look in the mirror, I see a different person. I see others differently. I hope others see me differently. Rather than become angry with or despise some of these folks, I pity them. It simply is not healthy or productive to allow such fury to guide our lives.
Those of you that know me, know that I don't usually care what others think of me however I see a difference in personality and community. It is not OK to harbor such anger and hate in times of "triumph". This is not the community I want to live in. I am extremely lucky and thankful for living in an area where not many people celebrated the death of this man as they did in my hometown. I was in my hometown, listening to people literally partying in the streets as the alcohol flowed. From what I hear, this did not happen in Berkeley. Coincidence? I think not. I have found a home here in the bay area.
Of course we all know if Bin Laden's death and the shitload of news and opinions that followed. I have only this to say: In times like these, one's true character is revealed. It's an old saying, but I think it applies given the variety of responses his killing has provoked.
The reason I chose to write about this is because I look back on how I reacted to terrorism on the morning of 9/11 and I cringe. I remember the range of emotions and confusion I felt that morning and I am glad to say I am not that guy anymore.
I remember being woken up by my girlfriend at the time in a very abrupt, panicked fashion which was completely out of the norm.
"Something really bad happened."
For all I knew, this was an accident and I had not yet seen the images on television. Shortly thereafter, a knock echoed from the front door. The upstairs neighbors had come down to see if we were aware of what was happening.
"Did you see what happened? A plane crashed into the Twin Towers"
"Oh wow, that's some cool shit" I said, completely unaware of the magnitude of the situation. I was further awoken to this fact with a punch on the shoulder from the neighbor.
"Seriously asshole, people are dead"
At that point I realized this was no joke. I turned on the TV immediately and like most Americans, my perspective of the world forever changed.
We spent a couple hours watching the news and she called blood centers for information on how to donate. She was always prepared and informed of such matters. I on the other hand paced the television, spitting out expletives, my body language spelling out my confusion and anger.
"Bin Laden did this" she said, quietly and somberly.
"Who the fuck is Bin Laden?!" I asked, incredulously. I honestly didn't know who the fuck this guy was, but I was ready for blood. I was like most Americans.
I saw the images of people celebrating in the streets of Baghdad I believe, and I completely lost composure, continuing my rant in an even more violent fashion. I called people savages. I repeated racist phrases I had just heard. I called for justice.
At one point, I looked over to see my girlfriend gazing upon me in complete shock and disgust. I could tell she was trying to hide it, but it was evident her opinion of me had just been irrevocably altered.
Perhaps the worst part is that I did not care. My anger had obscured all clear logic and critical thinking. I had turned into "one of them" in a matter of minutes. "Fuck you, I am angry! How can you sit there so peacefully?!?!" I thought.
Since 9/11, many things have changed for me, including my perspective, environment and education. In some ways, I cannot believe how incredibly ignorant I was. I can't believe how myopic and arrogant I was. Most of all, I can't believe how confused and angry I was.
Now that Bin Laden is dead, a decade has passed and my anger has pretty much faded away. I've found an environment I love and want to remain in forever. I figured out that I don't know shit, and I am blessed to find just a degree of wisdom and love in any given moment.
I am not the center of the world.
While seemingly trite and pedestrian, these realizations only scratch the surface of my changes, and I recognize they are but a small fraction of what will come. I embrace this and am no longer fearful. I am definitely not confused. However when I look around at my fellow Americans, I see all of the above and then some. Some of these people I have always genuinely respected. What now?
How could so many people openly celebrate the death of another human being? How could we show our children that it is never OK to kill- well that is, unless the dude is as bad as this guy was? How do we call ourselves a civilized society when frat boys are partying in the streets, celebrating the violent death of a terrorist? This is completely absurd to me, and I genuinely didn't understand it. That is, until I remembered how my ex looked at me that morning and recognized that was me ten years ago. I called for blood. I forgot how I was raised in those hours. I showed her just who I was in that moment.
Now that I look in the mirror, I see a different person. I see others differently. I hope others see me differently. Rather than become angry with or despise some of these folks, I pity them. It simply is not healthy or productive to allow such fury to guide our lives.
Those of you that know me, know that I don't usually care what others think of me however I see a difference in personality and community. It is not OK to harbor such anger and hate in times of "triumph". This is not the community I want to live in. I am extremely lucky and thankful for living in an area where not many people celebrated the death of this man as they did in my hometown. I was in my hometown, listening to people literally partying in the streets as the alcohol flowed. From what I hear, this did not happen in Berkeley. Coincidence? I think not. I have found a home here in the bay area.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Charlie, stupid fashion and masturbating pastors.
I guess I have been M.I.A. lately, and there really isn't a reason other than laziness.
Perhaps I have been too busy watching that nut, Charlie Sheen. Geez man, talk about letting it all hang out! I honestly do not see what the big deal is and why this is front page news. He is a fucking actor- what difference does it make how many people he is fucking and how much coke he toots?!
I have to say I don't think his treatment of women seems acceptable, but that is not what people are bitching about. No one is talking about how he objectifies women, they are only concerned that these women happen to be porn stars, right? They only care about the drugs, sex and rock and roll lifestyle and how it bristles the religious right, but they don't give a shit about the man or his cohorts. In fact, the media has made such a stink about this, plenty of people are profiting off his behavior (again) and no one is discussing the fact that as Americans, we are fascinated with and adore this kind of attention. That's what celebrity is all about in this country. I think its basically a bunch of haters on his ass because they can't dream of doing so much blow and fucking so many porn stars. It comes down to the classic "Don't hate the playa, hate the game".
Speaking of playas, or wannabee playas, I cannot seem to figure out street fashion sometimes. What the fuck is it with the stickers and tags being left on hats?! How is that cool in any way? So you basically want to advertise the size of your stupid head, or what?! I see these fuckers everywhere and I just wanna toss their hats in the gutter.
Then this morning I am taking the BART wondering why this grown man was wearing some flashy ass teenage pants, sagging them as low as he possible could. I didn't even know sagging was still in. Anyways, the guy is having trouble walking because his pants are falling off his ass. Eventually he has to reach up and grab the rail for balance so his shirt comes up, exposing his white boxers. Well, they were white, but they weren't clean. The motherfucker was showing the world his boxers with a very distinct skid mark running up his crack. The stupid asshole was telling the world he had shit himself, the whole while thinking he was pimping in his dumb outfit. I almost said something, like "hey homie we can see your shit stains" but I figured I might get rocked in the mouth.
Oh yeah- getting rocked in the face. For those of you who haven't seen me lately, you probably didn't hear about me getting into a fight at a gay bar in Berkeley. Yes- a gay bar in hippie ass Berkeley- you read that correctly.
This guy kept hitting on one of my friends and she turned him down politely. Eventually she asked him if he was gay, and he took offense. Never mind we are in a gay bar, BTW. Oh and I should mention the idiot has lightning bolts tattooed on his face. She realizes this guy is a douche so she makes her way back over to our group and that was the end of it, until the bar closed.
As we are all walking out, he pushes a buddy of mine to the ground and puts his knee on his chest. I still have no clue as to why- I suppose he was trying to show off in some childish manner? They start getting into it, so I went over and broke them up. After breaking up what I thought was going to be a fight between them, I walk away and start talking to my roommate. The next thing I know, I get a tap on the shoulder and a fucking sucker punch to the eye! All hell broke loose and everyone started fighting as if a chair had been thrown into the Source awards.
Eventually it was all broken up and I went home with a black eye and a fucked up hand as I am not used to punching people in the slightest. My hands are delicate little things.
Seriously though, who the fuck gets into fights outside of gay bars in a peaceful community?! This guy does. Fucking whiskey.
Look at this fucking guy. He is an anti-gay, Christian pastor from Louisiana. This cocksucker was caught jacking off in the close proximity of children in a playground. So according to this guy, fags and dykes can't marry, or even be openly gay, but jacking off in public with children is OK? This is his explanation:
"Pornography is destructive and it can ruin a person's life, and it ruined my life," he said at the conference, admitting that he had his hands in his pants, but maintaining that he wasn't masturbating. "Do I have problems? Yes. Did I do something wrong? Yes."
Really dude? Porn?! How could you blame good ole porn for your fucking problems?! What a typical, conservative Christian. I'm sure Jeebus would approve.
Happy Friday y'all!
Perhaps I have been too busy watching that nut, Charlie Sheen. Geez man, talk about letting it all hang out! I honestly do not see what the big deal is and why this is front page news. He is a fucking actor- what difference does it make how many people he is fucking and how much coke he toots?!
I have to say I don't think his treatment of women seems acceptable, but that is not what people are bitching about. No one is talking about how he objectifies women, they are only concerned that these women happen to be porn stars, right? They only care about the drugs, sex and rock and roll lifestyle and how it bristles the religious right, but they don't give a shit about the man or his cohorts. In fact, the media has made such a stink about this, plenty of people are profiting off his behavior (again) and no one is discussing the fact that as Americans, we are fascinated with and adore this kind of attention. That's what celebrity is all about in this country. I think its basically a bunch of haters on his ass because they can't dream of doing so much blow and fucking so many porn stars. It comes down to the classic "Don't hate the playa, hate the game".
Speaking of playas, or wannabee playas, I cannot seem to figure out street fashion sometimes. What the fuck is it with the stickers and tags being left on hats?! How is that cool in any way? So you basically want to advertise the size of your stupid head, or what?! I see these fuckers everywhere and I just wanna toss their hats in the gutter.
Then this morning I am taking the BART wondering why this grown man was wearing some flashy ass teenage pants, sagging them as low as he possible could. I didn't even know sagging was still in. Anyways, the guy is having trouble walking because his pants are falling off his ass. Eventually he has to reach up and grab the rail for balance so his shirt comes up, exposing his white boxers. Well, they were white, but they weren't clean. The motherfucker was showing the world his boxers with a very distinct skid mark running up his crack. The stupid asshole was telling the world he had shit himself, the whole while thinking he was pimping in his dumb outfit. I almost said something, like "hey homie we can see your shit stains" but I figured I might get rocked in the mouth.
Oh yeah- getting rocked in the face. For those of you who haven't seen me lately, you probably didn't hear about me getting into a fight at a gay bar in Berkeley. Yes- a gay bar in hippie ass Berkeley- you read that correctly.
This guy kept hitting on one of my friends and she turned him down politely. Eventually she asked him if he was gay, and he took offense. Never mind we are in a gay bar, BTW. Oh and I should mention the idiot has lightning bolts tattooed on his face. She realizes this guy is a douche so she makes her way back over to our group and that was the end of it, until the bar closed.
As we are all walking out, he pushes a buddy of mine to the ground and puts his knee on his chest. I still have no clue as to why- I suppose he was trying to show off in some childish manner? They start getting into it, so I went over and broke them up. After breaking up what I thought was going to be a fight between them, I walk away and start talking to my roommate. The next thing I know, I get a tap on the shoulder and a fucking sucker punch to the eye! All hell broke loose and everyone started fighting as if a chair had been thrown into the Source awards.
Eventually it was all broken up and I went home with a black eye and a fucked up hand as I am not used to punching people in the slightest. My hands are delicate little things.
Seriously though, who the fuck gets into fights outside of gay bars in a peaceful community?! This guy does. Fucking whiskey.
Look at this fucking guy. He is an anti-gay, Christian pastor from Louisiana. This cocksucker was caught jacking off in the close proximity of children in a playground. So according to this guy, fags and dykes can't marry, or even be openly gay, but jacking off in public with children is OK? This is his explanation:
"Pornography is destructive and it can ruin a person's life, and it ruined my life," he said at the conference, admitting that he had his hands in his pants, but maintaining that he wasn't masturbating. "Do I have problems? Yes. Did I do something wrong? Yes."
Really dude? Porn?! How could you blame good ole porn for your fucking problems?! What a typical, conservative Christian. I'm sure Jeebus would approve.
Happy Friday y'all!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Humping dolls, eating cushion and body fluid perfume.
Have any of you seen the show, "My Strange Addiction"? If not, you may want to check it out while getting high on the couch someday. The other night I saw one about a man who developed an intimate, long term "relationship" with a sex doll. I gotta say, it was like watching a car wreck in that sense of knowing you shouldn't, but your brain cells are moving so slow it doesn't make a difference. This guy straight up went shopping with an "organic" female friend for his silicone bitch sitting at home waiting for him on the couch.
Of course when he came back with all her new clothes, she had no choice but to sit there with her mouth open; a vacant, apathetic look in her eye. Fucko didn't care in the slightest as he talked to her, caressed her, dressed her and even did her hair. Amazingly, the guy had friends who were complicit in his little game, greeting her and referring to her as his partner. I couldn't stop thinking of him pounding his doll without any consideration to how she feels as the silicone friction caused profuse sweating. After he was done, he would roll over, light a cigarette and ask her if she came. She would be covered in his body fluids, so he could take her to the sink and clean her up- OR NOT.
Of course the guy interviewing him could hardly keep a straight face as he probed him into why he would allow loneliness to drive him to such lengths.
It turns out the guy had a childhood fascination with dolls that eventually turned into a fetish. However after 10 years of "courting", he was able to make her his girlfriend with whom he shares his deepest desires and emotions.
Now of course while the obvious questions such as sex, social acceptance, emotional aptitude, etc come into play, my immediate reaction was to pick on this poor guy and play horrific jokes on him. Here are some of my ideas- feel free to add to the list if necessary:
Then there was another woman who was addicted to "eating cushion." As sexual as term that sounds, it is exactly what it sounds like. She would tear the cushions from her couch and eat them in little, petite bites. Why she wouldn't simply procure foam from some other source baffles me. Perhaps it was the butt funk people left?
She even had favorite colors, as she said the darker the cushion, the more flavor. "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice!"
The highlight was a picture of a mangled foam paint brush that happened to be black, so it appeared as if it had been mangled in a flavor fueled rage. She cried her stupid little eyes out, declaring she let the cushion take over her life. This person must have some addiction issues that reach far beyond cushion. I mean really people- cushion?! IF she gets off cushion now, it will be crack cocaine tomorrow. There is no hope for this woman.
Another woman for which there is no hope is Sarah Palin's ignorant ass. I found it hilarious when Tracy Morgan referred to her as good masturbation material. "The glasses and everything", he said. I tend to agree. At the same time, I find myself watching her show, devising ways to infiltrate that family, destroying it from the inside out. Once Willow is old enough I will make my move.
Oh and BTW, you like how Bristol's talk on sex and abstinence got cancelled due to protest from the students?! Clearly, the idiocy of such a "lecture" was not lost on a bunch of college freshman.
Then there is Michele Bachmann. Seriously, bitch- Seriously?! Maybe we can get these two miracles together for a GOP porn? Dick Cheney could watch in the corner, making snarling noises as he beat his meat. I'd buy it.
Speaking of porn- Jesus Charlie Sheen! Control yourself already, will ya brother?! I suppose his behavior wouldn't be of any consequence if he didn't have young daughters himself. I wonder what they will think of their daddy when they are old enough to read? The latest story is he wants a house down the street occupied by a harem of porn stars for his pleasure. Wow. Shoot for the stars, Charlie.
Unfortunately I predict the kids growing up in turmoil, eventually becoming porn stars themselves after daddy dies. Good job Charlie. Still, the boy in me would like to party with him and his friends for a night.
Oh and my favorite entertainer, Lady ha ha is coming out with a fragrance she wants to smell like cum and blood. I don't think that should be all that difficult. Come to SF for an evening. You are sure to leave with body fluids sprayed on your face. It will be like a beautiful Jackson Pollock painting, only her face will be my canvas and my body fluids will be my paint. Oh how I love that woman.
Of course when he came back with all her new clothes, she had no choice but to sit there with her mouth open; a vacant, apathetic look in her eye. Fucko didn't care in the slightest as he talked to her, caressed her, dressed her and even did her hair. Amazingly, the guy had friends who were complicit in his little game, greeting her and referring to her as his partner. I couldn't stop thinking of him pounding his doll without any consideration to how she feels as the silicone friction caused profuse sweating. After he was done, he would roll over, light a cigarette and ask her if she came. She would be covered in his body fluids, so he could take her to the sink and clean her up- OR NOT.
Of course the guy interviewing him could hardly keep a straight face as he probed him into why he would allow loneliness to drive him to such lengths.
It turns out the guy had a childhood fascination with dolls that eventually turned into a fetish. However after 10 years of "courting", he was able to make her his girlfriend with whom he shares his deepest desires and emotions.
Now of course while the obvious questions such as sex, social acceptance, emotional aptitude, etc come into play, my immediate reaction was to pick on this poor guy and play horrific jokes on him. Here are some of my ideas- feel free to add to the list if necessary:
- I could kidnap the doll and hold it for ransom. I am sure the police would laugh hysterically as he frantically made a police report, attempting to file a missing person report only to be told he could file a theft only.
- Sexually assault it, making sure to make a mess of it and of course not cleaning up after myself. I would have to take pictures and again, I would love to hear the 911 call.
- Mutilate it, cutting off its nose or eyes out. Since it has real hair and eyebrows I would make sure to shave them as well and of course it couldn't grow back.
- Constantly flirt with it and pinch its ass in his presence (assuming he would let me near her.)
- Beat the shit out of it. This would include a loud, vicious verbal attack, followed by throwing it out into the street. I imagine the silicone would be severely bruised. I could say things like, "What the fuck are you looking at bitch?! Stop looking at me that way! WHAT?! What did you say, you little whore?! Watch your mouth when you're talking to me!" What could they do? Charge me with domestic abuse?!
- Fill its ass with real human feces. That would make a wonderful surprise next time he went anal on it.
- Replace it with a male doll.
- Super glue its vagina shut.
Then there was another woman who was addicted to "eating cushion." As sexual as term that sounds, it is exactly what it sounds like. She would tear the cushions from her couch and eat them in little, petite bites. Why she wouldn't simply procure foam from some other source baffles me. Perhaps it was the butt funk people left?
She even had favorite colors, as she said the darker the cushion, the more flavor. "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice!"
The highlight was a picture of a mangled foam paint brush that happened to be black, so it appeared as if it had been mangled in a flavor fueled rage. She cried her stupid little eyes out, declaring she let the cushion take over her life. This person must have some addiction issues that reach far beyond cushion. I mean really people- cushion?! IF she gets off cushion now, it will be crack cocaine tomorrow. There is no hope for this woman.
Another woman for which there is no hope is Sarah Palin's ignorant ass. I found it hilarious when Tracy Morgan referred to her as good masturbation material. "The glasses and everything", he said. I tend to agree. At the same time, I find myself watching her show, devising ways to infiltrate that family, destroying it from the inside out. Once Willow is old enough I will make my move.
Oh and BTW, you like how Bristol's talk on sex and abstinence got cancelled due to protest from the students?! Clearly, the idiocy of such a "lecture" was not lost on a bunch of college freshman.
Then there is Michele Bachmann. Seriously, bitch- Seriously?! Maybe we can get these two miracles together for a GOP porn? Dick Cheney could watch in the corner, making snarling noises as he beat his meat. I'd buy it.
Speaking of porn- Jesus Charlie Sheen! Control yourself already, will ya brother?! I suppose his behavior wouldn't be of any consequence if he didn't have young daughters himself. I wonder what they will think of their daddy when they are old enough to read? The latest story is he wants a house down the street occupied by a harem of porn stars for his pleasure. Wow. Shoot for the stars, Charlie.
Unfortunately I predict the kids growing up in turmoil, eventually becoming porn stars themselves after daddy dies. Good job Charlie. Still, the boy in me would like to party with him and his friends for a night.
Oh and my favorite entertainer, Lady ha ha is coming out with a fragrance she wants to smell like cum and blood. I don't think that should be all that difficult. Come to SF for an evening. You are sure to leave with body fluids sprayed on your face. It will be like a beautiful Jackson Pollock painting, only her face will be my canvas and my body fluids will be my paint. Oh how I love that woman.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Conversations with big, married women.
This isnt really the blog of the day- that is coming soon. However, I thought y'all would get a kick out of this conversation I just had. Doesn't marriage seem fun?
12:26pm
Me: so did you go and fuck the soccer coach too?
12:27pm
nope
12:27pm
Me: haha, why not?!
12:28pm
he is too into trying to make his marriage and sounded like a little bitch
hate that about men
need a manly man
not a little bitch
12:28pm
Me: oh jesus, you mean one that will cheat on his wife?!
a manly man doesnt do that
12:29pm
his wife is psychotic and filed an annulment after 24 days
she doesn't wanna be married to him
12:30pm
Me: Oh god, he even shares his mariatal issues with you?! Wait, how many people are you fucking around with? Are they all married?!
hahahaha
12:31pm
Me: and they wont let gay people get married...
but they let y'all!
haha
12:31pm
just 2 so far and the 41 year old is almost divorced
but no more coach
he has turned me off completely
12:32pm
Me: man...thats just craziness
wait, you arent catholic, are you?!
12:33pm
it is and no I'm not
12:33pm
Me: haha, good...I was gonna say
so you have about 5 guys youre fucking now?
12:37pm
2
12:37pm
Me: ewwww
12:37pm
well now just 1 cuz I dropped the coach
12:37pm
why ewwww? you were fucking hella women at one time
12:38pm
still....ewww. None of them were ever married with kids, and neither am I.
12:39pm
???
why ewww?
12:40pm
Me: thats alot of pussy juice and big panties being mixed around
its kinda like the public laundromat
12:40pm
what? are you high?!?!
what is wrong with you?
12:41pm
Me: just sayin
12:42pm
big panties?
12:42pm
Me: well...they arent tiny, are they?
12:42pm
woooow
what is wrong with you?
12:43pm
Me: just observations is all
12:47pm
fucking one guy doesn't make me a public laundromat and yes, I am not a small girl, but what does that have to do with anything? sheesh
12:48pm
Me: I mean just all the married people fucking each other who are probably fucking other people, who are fucking other people and then have their kids socialize
just sorta gross is all
12:49pm
I'm not fucking my husband and I am not allowing my kids to socialize with anyone on my side..
12:50pm
Me: oh, well then you should have said so...now it sounds classy. What a lucky guy.
GROSS!!!
12:26pm
Me: so did you go and fuck the soccer coach too?
12:27pm
nope
12:27pm
Me: haha, why not?!
12:28pm
he is too into trying to make his marriage and sounded like a little bitch
hate that about men
need a manly man
not a little bitch
12:28pm
Me: oh jesus, you mean one that will cheat on his wife?!
a manly man doesnt do that
12:29pm
his wife is psychotic and filed an annulment after 24 days
she doesn't wanna be married to him
12:30pm
Me: Oh god, he even shares his mariatal issues with you?! Wait, how many people are you fucking around with? Are they all married?!
hahahaha
12:31pm
Me: and they wont let gay people get married...
but they let y'all!
haha
12:31pm
just 2 so far and the 41 year old is almost divorced
but no more coach
he has turned me off completely
12:32pm
Me: man...thats just craziness
wait, you arent catholic, are you?!
12:33pm
it is and no I'm not
12:33pm
Me: haha, good...I was gonna say
so you have about 5 guys youre fucking now?
12:37pm
2
12:37pm
Me: ewwww
12:37pm
well now just 1 cuz I dropped the coach
12:37pm
why ewwww? you were fucking hella women at one time
12:38pm
still....ewww. None of them were ever married with kids, and neither am I.
12:39pm
???
why ewww?
12:40pm
Me: thats alot of pussy juice and big panties being mixed around
its kinda like the public laundromat
12:40pm
what? are you high?!?!
what is wrong with you?
12:41pm
Me: just sayin
12:42pm
big panties?
12:42pm
Me: well...they arent tiny, are they?
12:42pm
woooow
what is wrong with you?
12:43pm
Me: just observations is all
12:47pm
fucking one guy doesn't make me a public laundromat and yes, I am not a small girl, but what does that have to do with anything? sheesh
12:48pm
Me: I mean just all the married people fucking each other who are probably fucking other people, who are fucking other people and then have their kids socialize
just sorta gross is all
12:49pm
I'm not fucking my husband and I am not allowing my kids to socialize with anyone on my side..
12:50pm
Me: oh, well then you should have said so...now it sounds classy. What a lucky guy.
GROSS!!!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Elizabeth Smart's dumbass, puke and a Stupid Face.
Happy New Year mothafuckas!
December was a pretty crazy month, hence the lack of post. I guess I just haven't felt like writing too much, especially since I have spent most of the last month hungover or drunk. Don't ask me why.
Perhaps its the "new" roomies whom I love dearly already, or perhaps its the holidays, but I have been pretty unfocused so if you know me and see me soon, do me a favor and slap me in the face or buy me a drink.
Today started off in a strange way and nothing seems to be going my way. I was brushing my teeth, and I stuck my toothbrush too far up my throat, causing me to throw up all over the sink. I guess I would be a terrible gay porn star, right? Well that, and I don't take it in the ass. I recently learned of a phrase, "Double Rainbow", which is when a person shits themselves while vomiting, simultaneously. Disgusting. Again, don't ask me why I decided to share.
Speaking of taking it up the ass, we have had a house guest that sort of pops up at our house with mutual friends and ends up leaving with someone or everyone pissed off at him. We'll call him Ross.
Ross is one of those guys who needs every one's approval and will do anything to be the center of attention. He is rather flamboyant, and chameleon-like, as he does his best to acclimate to groups and cliques, repeating phrases and inside jokes whether or not he understands them. For example, as an experiment, a couple friends began telling him he was "collandered", which doesn't mean a fucking thing, but the guy went around repeating it to others, clearly displaying his ignorance and follower instinct.
The guy is incredibly promiscuous and fucks both men and women, but to such an extreme that we charted his sexual activity and realized if you fuck anyone at the nearest gay bar, you are also fucking him. Also disgusting.
He's also a liar.
He likes to lie about almost everything, it seems. For example, we were discussing Michael Jackson and how cool it would have been to just be one of his back up dancers or roadies or something and he comes out and says "Oh I was a back up dancer for Michael Jackson."
WTF?!? Seriously?! You were not. When? Where? How?
He even went on to say he was in the Black and White video at which point we all called bullshit and made him show us on You Tube where he was in the video. Of course he couldn't, but he STILL continued with the lie, saying they cut him out of the video last minute or some bullshit. He even went on to say his mother did his hair and makeup. Not MJ's massive wardrobe and makeup staff, but his mother.
As a sidenote, my roomie just broke up with her GF, who has been behaving like a total jack ass. The day she was dumped she hooked up with a HUGE, and I mean HUGE woman who we will call StupidFace. StupidFace is perhaps the most annoying person one could meet and she weighs more than 400 lbs, no joke. Ordinarily, this alone wouldn't be enough for teasing, but she dresses as if she weighed 120, complete with short skirts and fuck me pumps. I've never seen so much cellulite on a person before. I guess MAYBE, just MAYBE I would fuck her, just for novelty purposes. I would definitely film it and send it around to all my friends, showing them what level I had just sunk to, all in the name of entertainment. I suppose I could even sell it, as she definitely fits into the fatty fetish some people have. I just don't think I could actually get it up! KIDDING. Besides her disgusting physical features and lack of IQ, I love my roomie and would never do such a thing to her. (notice I didn't say anything about personal pride and standards)
Anyways, Ross has been hanging out with the ex and StupidFace quite a bit, while coming to our house as well. Apparently, he has been fucking around with StupidFace, as he told us he actually did get a handjob or blowjob (I cant remember which) from this fat bitch while the ex watched. Yet again- Disgusting.
Loyalty means a lot to me and this guy clearly has none.
Then he turns around and tells me that I am cute until I open my mouth.
I don't think he will be coming around anymore.
Speaking of stupid faces, how about that Elizabeth Smart? Now I know she is a victim and she went through a horrific time, but has anyone stopped to question why the stupid bitch never tried to get away when she could? I remember Chris Rock pointing out a young black girl her same age at the same time who was abducted and then quickly found her way home, miles and miles away after fighting back and escaping. No one discussed this case in the slightest, but as Chris Rock put it, the little black girl from the ghetto was WAY more equipped for the world than this sheltered little white girl.
Also, could it be the chick LIKED what was going on? I mean really, how much different were her teenage years than the rest of ours?
She got tied up by an older guy, fed booze and drugs and then fucked silly. That pretty much sums up my high school years. What is she complaining about?
I mean if she didn't, she would have escaped at some point, right? Perhaps she pretended to be scarred by the ordeal only after homeboy got caught???
I mean after all, she went from one cult like environment to another- now she is a fucking Mormon! And lets have another- disgusting!
Apparently the chick is over in France on her mission, but I could see her getting abducted again or switching to porn in another ten years. Typical. Elizabeth Smart, my ass.
December was a pretty crazy month, hence the lack of post. I guess I just haven't felt like writing too much, especially since I have spent most of the last month hungover or drunk. Don't ask me why.
Perhaps its the "new" roomies whom I love dearly already, or perhaps its the holidays, but I have been pretty unfocused so if you know me and see me soon, do me a favor and slap me in the face or buy me a drink.
Today started off in a strange way and nothing seems to be going my way. I was brushing my teeth, and I stuck my toothbrush too far up my throat, causing me to throw up all over the sink. I guess I would be a terrible gay porn star, right? Well that, and I don't take it in the ass. I recently learned of a phrase, "Double Rainbow", which is when a person shits themselves while vomiting, simultaneously. Disgusting. Again, don't ask me why I decided to share.
Speaking of taking it up the ass, we have had a house guest that sort of pops up at our house with mutual friends and ends up leaving with someone or everyone pissed off at him. We'll call him Ross.
Ross is one of those guys who needs every one's approval and will do anything to be the center of attention. He is rather flamboyant, and chameleon-like, as he does his best to acclimate to groups and cliques, repeating phrases and inside jokes whether or not he understands them. For example, as an experiment, a couple friends began telling him he was "collandered", which doesn't mean a fucking thing, but the guy went around repeating it to others, clearly displaying his ignorance and follower instinct.
The guy is incredibly promiscuous and fucks both men and women, but to such an extreme that we charted his sexual activity and realized if you fuck anyone at the nearest gay bar, you are also fucking him. Also disgusting.
He's also a liar.
He likes to lie about almost everything, it seems. For example, we were discussing Michael Jackson and how cool it would have been to just be one of his back up dancers or roadies or something and he comes out and says "Oh I was a back up dancer for Michael Jackson."
WTF?!? Seriously?! You were not. When? Where? How?
He even went on to say he was in the Black and White video at which point we all called bullshit and made him show us on You Tube where he was in the video. Of course he couldn't, but he STILL continued with the lie, saying they cut him out of the video last minute or some bullshit. He even went on to say his mother did his hair and makeup. Not MJ's massive wardrobe and makeup staff, but his mother.
As a sidenote, my roomie just broke up with her GF, who has been behaving like a total jack ass. The day she was dumped she hooked up with a HUGE, and I mean HUGE woman who we will call StupidFace. StupidFace is perhaps the most annoying person one could meet and she weighs more than 400 lbs, no joke. Ordinarily, this alone wouldn't be enough for teasing, but she dresses as if she weighed 120, complete with short skirts and fuck me pumps. I've never seen so much cellulite on a person before. I guess MAYBE, just MAYBE I would fuck her, just for novelty purposes. I would definitely film it and send it around to all my friends, showing them what level I had just sunk to, all in the name of entertainment. I suppose I could even sell it, as she definitely fits into the fatty fetish some people have. I just don't think I could actually get it up! KIDDING. Besides her disgusting physical features and lack of IQ, I love my roomie and would never do such a thing to her. (notice I didn't say anything about personal pride and standards)
Anyways, Ross has been hanging out with the ex and StupidFace quite a bit, while coming to our house as well. Apparently, he has been fucking around with StupidFace, as he told us he actually did get a handjob or blowjob (I cant remember which) from this fat bitch while the ex watched. Yet again- Disgusting.
Loyalty means a lot to me and this guy clearly has none.
Then he turns around and tells me that I am cute until I open my mouth.
I don't think he will be coming around anymore.
Speaking of stupid faces, how about that Elizabeth Smart? Now I know she is a victim and she went through a horrific time, but has anyone stopped to question why the stupid bitch never tried to get away when she could? I remember Chris Rock pointing out a young black girl her same age at the same time who was abducted and then quickly found her way home, miles and miles away after fighting back and escaping. No one discussed this case in the slightest, but as Chris Rock put it, the little black girl from the ghetto was WAY more equipped for the world than this sheltered little white girl.
Also, could it be the chick LIKED what was going on? I mean really, how much different were her teenage years than the rest of ours?
She got tied up by an older guy, fed booze and drugs and then fucked silly. That pretty much sums up my high school years. What is she complaining about?
I mean if she didn't, she would have escaped at some point, right? Perhaps she pretended to be scarred by the ordeal only after homeboy got caught???
I mean after all, she went from one cult like environment to another- now she is a fucking Mormon! And lets have another- disgusting!
Apparently the chick is over in France on her mission, but I could see her getting abducted again or switching to porn in another ten years. Typical. Elizabeth Smart, my ass.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Confused identities and picking up a midget.
So its been a while since I have posted, and I suppose its because I have been spending a lot of time getting drunk with my new roommates. I really lucked out when it comes to these two as we seem to have hella fun together. I suppose the only negative aspect of the situation is that we all drink- a lot. I have only been there 10 days, but 9 out of those days I have spent shit faced. This is not a good thing, as I have been trying to cut back on my drinking, not accelerate it. I have simply reduced it to the house being in a "honeymoon" period.
Anyways, last weekend I partied with them at their favorite bar down the street, along with a number of lesbians. After getting home one night, I get a text that says "Hey babe! My friend thinks you're hot. Can I give her your number?"
I had no clue who she was talking about, so I asked my roommate if she knew who this text was from.
Her response was "she's so and so. She's OK, just your average chick. "
I asked if she was hot and she says, "No, not really. I mean you wouldn't have to put a bag over her head to fuck her or anything"
See why I love my new roomies?
So I told the woman I would be at the bar that night and that I would meet her friend then because I didn't remember her. She agreed, and the next thing I know I am getting texts from another girl, apparently the friend. All day she continues texting me until I got to the bar and my roomie comes up and says "Um, there is a little mix up. That girl that has been texting you thought she was texting another chick. Somehow she got your number instead of the lesbian she was really interested in."
Of course this girl wasn't there because she was so embarrassed, which I found hysterical.
I mean she was making it clear she wanted to get to know the person she thought she was talking to, only to be sending sweet texts to some dude. No biggie, right?
After clearing this up we had plenty of jokes at her expense (after having convinced her to come out) to which she finally got upset about and left in a huff. She was super uptight as it was and to top it off, the woman she was after was not interested in the slightest.
I should have known when she used the word "hot" to describe me that she was confused in who she was actually communicating with- that's not a common word used to describing me.
I think it would have been hilarious if she would have said, "send me a picture of your tits". While I would have thought it was strange, I probably would have complied with her request and sent her pics of my man nipples. If she said, "send me a picture of some sort, surprise me" expecting a hoo ha shot, she would have gotten back a text with a picture of my cock, bearing the word, "Surprise!". Even better, if she said "send me a pic of your ass" and I sent a pic of a man butt?! Oh how I missed out on a wonderful opportunity to "sext" with a lesbian!
This morning I was on the bus and a tiny, tiny little person came on, having trouble even getting up the stairs and into a seat. She is easily the smallest person I have ever seen.
I don't know what the etiquette on little people is, but I am pretty sure you are not supposed to pat them on the head or pick them up, right?
The bus driver was clearly trying to help her as she got off the bus and I have no doubt his intentions were good, but he straight up PICKED HER UP like she was a child, or dog or something. I could not believe my eyes!
Of course I immediately call my friend who is also fascinated by midgets and he immediately says, "Did you try to fuck her?"
I was going to reply with hostility until I realized I probably would have tried if she was younger. This is definitely on my "to-do" list.
Of course he took it a step further and said his fantasy involved dressing up like Mad Mordigan from the movie "Willow" and dress "it" up as one of the dwarfs in the movie and role play.
I think this is why we are friends, despite the fact he is a disgusting Republican. I have known him longer than I knew what politics was, so I guess I gotta keep him around. It is conversations like these that remind me why.
For those of you that love Donald the Scientist as much as I do, I regret to say I have not had many interactions with him until this morning when he asked why I hadn't taken a vacation in a while. "Hey Guy (he always calls me 'guy') I see you here every day, why are you never on vacation?" Random question, right? I told him its because my life is basically a vacation. I then lamented the fact that I won't be able to go to baseball spring training this year because Arizona's punk ass, racist government to which he replied, "You should go on Spring Break like on the television shows. Hot, hot, hot weather AND hot bodies!"
I couldn't help it this time, I started cracking up because he probably has the worst body one could imagine. There is nothing remotely attractive about this man, from his dirty teeth to his awkward gait. Its hard to imagine this man as a sexual being, but he clearly is.
I will have to provoke more interactions with him as my days have been missing him lately.
Anyways, last weekend I partied with them at their favorite bar down the street, along with a number of lesbians. After getting home one night, I get a text that says "Hey babe! My friend thinks you're hot. Can I give her your number?"
I had no clue who she was talking about, so I asked my roommate if she knew who this text was from.
Her response was "she's so and so. She's OK, just your average chick. "
I asked if she was hot and she says, "No, not really. I mean you wouldn't have to put a bag over her head to fuck her or anything"
See why I love my new roomies?
So I told the woman I would be at the bar that night and that I would meet her friend then because I didn't remember her. She agreed, and the next thing I know I am getting texts from another girl, apparently the friend. All day she continues texting me until I got to the bar and my roomie comes up and says "Um, there is a little mix up. That girl that has been texting you thought she was texting another chick. Somehow she got your number instead of the lesbian she was really interested in."
Of course this girl wasn't there because she was so embarrassed, which I found hysterical.
I mean she was making it clear she wanted to get to know the person she thought she was talking to, only to be sending sweet texts to some dude. No biggie, right?
After clearing this up we had plenty of jokes at her expense (after having convinced her to come out) to which she finally got upset about and left in a huff. She was super uptight as it was and to top it off, the woman she was after was not interested in the slightest.
I should have known when she used the word "hot" to describe me that she was confused in who she was actually communicating with- that's not a common word used to describing me.
I think it would have been hilarious if she would have said, "send me a picture of your tits". While I would have thought it was strange, I probably would have complied with her request and sent her pics of my man nipples. If she said, "send me a picture of some sort, surprise me" expecting a hoo ha shot, she would have gotten back a text with a picture of my cock, bearing the word, "Surprise!". Even better, if she said "send me a pic of your ass" and I sent a pic of a man butt?! Oh how I missed out on a wonderful opportunity to "sext" with a lesbian!
This morning I was on the bus and a tiny, tiny little person came on, having trouble even getting up the stairs and into a seat. She is easily the smallest person I have ever seen.
I don't know what the etiquette on little people is, but I am pretty sure you are not supposed to pat them on the head or pick them up, right?
The bus driver was clearly trying to help her as she got off the bus and I have no doubt his intentions were good, but he straight up PICKED HER UP like she was a child, or dog or something. I could not believe my eyes!
Of course I immediately call my friend who is also fascinated by midgets and he immediately says, "Did you try to fuck her?"
I was going to reply with hostility until I realized I probably would have tried if she was younger. This is definitely on my "to-do" list.
Of course he took it a step further and said his fantasy involved dressing up like Mad Mordigan from the movie "Willow" and dress "it" up as one of the dwarfs in the movie and role play.
I think this is why we are friends, despite the fact he is a disgusting Republican. I have known him longer than I knew what politics was, so I guess I gotta keep him around. It is conversations like these that remind me why.
For those of you that love Donald the Scientist as much as I do, I regret to say I have not had many interactions with him until this morning when he asked why I hadn't taken a vacation in a while. "Hey Guy (he always calls me 'guy') I see you here every day, why are you never on vacation?" Random question, right? I told him its because my life is basically a vacation. I then lamented the fact that I won't be able to go to baseball spring training this year because Arizona's punk ass, racist government to which he replied, "You should go on Spring Break like on the television shows. Hot, hot, hot weather AND hot bodies!"
I couldn't help it this time, I started cracking up because he probably has the worst body one could imagine. There is nothing remotely attractive about this man, from his dirty teeth to his awkward gait. Its hard to imagine this man as a sexual being, but he clearly is.
I will have to provoke more interactions with him as my days have been missing him lately.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)