Confused identities and picking up a midget.

So its been a while since I have posted, and I suppose its because I have been spending a lot of time getting drunk with my new roommates.  I really lucked out when it comes to these two as we seem to have hella fun together.  I suppose the only negative aspect of the situation is that we all drink- a lot.  I have only been there 10 days, but 9 out of those days I have spent shit faced.  This is not a good thing, as I have been trying to cut back on my drinking, not accelerate it.  I have simply reduced it to the house being in a "honeymoon" period. 
Anyways, last weekend I partied with them at their favorite bar down the street, along with a number of lesbians.  After getting home one night, I get a text that says "Hey babe!  My friend thinks you're hot.  Can I give her your number?"
I had no clue who she was talking about, so I asked my roommate if she knew who this text was from. 
Her response was "she's so and so.  She's OK, just your average chick. "
I asked if she was hot and she says, "No, not really.  I mean you wouldn't have to put a bag over her head to fuck her or anything"
See why I love my new roomies?
So I told the woman I would be at the bar that night and that I would meet her friend then because I didn't remember her.  She agreed, and the next thing I know I am getting texts from another girl, apparently the friend.  All day she continues texting me until I got to the bar and my roomie comes up and says "Um, there is a little mix up.  That girl that has been texting you thought she was texting another chick.  Somehow she got your number instead of the lesbian she was really interested in."
Of course this girl wasn't there because she was so embarrassed, which I found hysterical. 
I mean she was making it clear she wanted to get to know the person she thought she was talking to, only to be sending sweet texts to some dude.  No biggie, right?
After clearing this up we had plenty of jokes at her expense (after having convinced her to come out) to which she finally got upset about and left in a huff.  She was super uptight as it was and to top it off, the woman she was after was not interested in the slightest.
I should have known when she used the word "hot" to describe me that she was confused in who she was actually communicating with- that's not a common word used to describing me.
I think it would have been hilarious if she would have said, "send me a picture of your tits".  While I would have thought it was strange, I probably would have complied with her request and sent her pics of my man nipples.  If she said, "send me a picture of some sort, surprise me" expecting a hoo ha shot, she would have gotten back a text with a picture of my cock, bearing the word, "Surprise!".  Even better, if she said "send me a pic of your ass" and I sent a pic of a man butt?!  Oh how I missed out on a wonderful opportunity to "sext" with a lesbian!
This morning I was on the bus and a tiny, tiny little person came on, having trouble even getting up the stairs and into a seat.  She is easily the smallest person I have ever seen. 
I don't know what the etiquette on little people is, but I am pretty sure you are not supposed to pat them on the head or pick them up, right? 
The bus driver was clearly trying to help her as she got off the bus and I have no doubt his intentions were good, but he straight up PICKED HER UP like she was a child, or dog or something.  I could not believe my eyes! 
Of course I immediately call my friend who is also fascinated by midgets and he immediately says, "Did you try to fuck her?"
I was going to reply with hostility until I realized I probably would have tried if she was younger.  This is definitely on my "to-do" list.
Of course he took it a step further and said his fantasy involved dressing up like Mad Mordigan from the movie "Willow" and dress "it" up as one of the dwarfs in the movie and role play. 
I think this is why we are friends, despite the fact he is a disgusting Republican.  I have known him longer than I knew what politics was, so I guess I gotta keep him around.  It is conversations like these that remind me why.
For those of you that love Donald the Scientist as much as I do, I regret to say I have not had many interactions with him until this morning when he asked why I hadn't taken a vacation in a while. "Hey Guy (he always calls me 'guy') I see you here every day, why are you never on vacation?"  Random question, right? I told him its because my life is basically a vacation.  I then lamented the fact that I won't be able to go to baseball spring training this year because Arizona's punk ass, racist government to which he replied, "You should go on Spring Break like on the television shows.  Hot, hot, hot weather AND hot bodies!"

I couldn't help it this time, I started cracking up because he probably has the worst body one could imagine.  There is nothing remotely attractive about this man, from his dirty teeth to his awkward gait.  Its hard to imagine this man as a sexual being, but he clearly is. 
I will have to provoke more interactions with him as my days have been missing him lately.

A Mormon Virgin, her ham wallet and a married woman. WARNING: Sexually graphic of a personal nature.

So last night was extremely interesting and further evidence as to why I should not live so close to a bar.  I'm ridiculous sometimes.  As a buddy of mine puts it, "you need to take it down a notch".  I suppose he's right sometimes. 

First off, I should begin with the story of the Mormon virgin, which is sort of the catalyst to last night's events. 

A few years ago I met this German exchange student who took quite a liking to me and began coming by my work to say hello.  She is a very attractive woman with a sweet disposition.  After chatting a few times however, she revealed the fact she is a Mormon from Germany who's father was a missionary that went to Germany, met her mother, converted her and had this girl. 
Of course I quickly distanced myself and made it clear we were never going to go out on a date-period.  I tried not to be offensive, but she pressed for a reason for my rejection and it was simply the fact she was Mormon- daughter of Missionaries no less.  Those fucking people make me sick.  Still, she continued with the visits. 

After not having seen her for a while, she randomly called me one night (yes I gave her my number like a dumbass) about a year ago and started going on about how she was 24 and wasn't sure if she could remain celibate, etc. etc.  My response was basically "sorry honey, that sounds like a personal problem."
She didn't quite go for that.
Before long, she started sending what she considered "dirty" texts that were very amusing to say the least.  "I want to kiss your neck and have you grab my breasts" Very funny stuff.
She got the hint these weren't enticing me in the slightest so she began sending pictures of herself in her underwear, tight t-shirts, etc.
Then came the pictures of her tits.  Then her ass.  Then her entire naked body.  Her pussy.  Her fingers inside her pussy.  Shaving.  You get the idea. 

Needless to say, I was shocked.  I couldn't believe such a sexually repressed woman would ever send such graphic pictures, especially to some dude she really didn't know all that well.  I even reminded her of that and for whatever reason she found trust in me and basically wanted me to "teach her", as she put it.

It was almost as if those little cartoon devils and angels showed up on my shoulders and debated furiously.  Could I REALLY take this girl's virginity knowing I wouldn't ever have anything more to do with her?  It simply SOUNDED wrong.
At the same time, I literally felt bad for her.  How could a hot girl with a body DESIGNED for fucking go until 24 without doing so?!  I mean in some ways, I would be doing her a favor, right?  She would finally get that fine ass body of hers satisfied by someone who purportedly knew what he was doing.  As she put it, "Mormon boys have no idea what they are doing" and always simply "make out and dry hump for hours".
Still, I knew she actually liked me and I remember the power of your first piece of ass.  I simply didn't want the responsibility or blood in my bed.
After all, how fun could it be to fuck a virgin anyways?
I basically told her she couldn't call me anymore and that it wasn't going to happen, etc etc. She stopped contacting me until I literally ran into her a few months ago and she told me how happy she was with this new guy she was seeing.  No harm, no foul.  I'm sure she never even realized how much damage I could actually do to her life with these pics.  Can you imagine if I sent them to her boss (a lobbyist) or worse yet, her church? Poor, naive, Mormon. 
(And no I didn't post any of her pics online, in case you are wondering)

UNTIL last night.  She started with the pictures again, except this time they were pretty fucking graphic.  I'm talking dildos, fishnets and latex. This girl can't REALLY be a virgin, can she?!  But of course, she started asking questions about the male anatomy that reinforced the idea she hadn't ever even touched a dick. She even asked if her coochie looked "normal" to me. Then came the "I'm in Berkeley tonight and I just got out of a party.  Can I come over?"
Now I am recently sort of out of a relationship of sorts so I simply haven't been much in the mood lately, but I started thinking that's exactly what I needed. STILL, I resisted.  I was actually quite proud of myself for doing the "right thing". 
Its amazing how a couple hours and a few beers can change things.

Before I know it, I am closing down the bar, playing darts with some MILF, drunk off my ass.  The next thing I know, she is in my apartment and the next- well my penis somehow ended up inside her. 

Now I have to say, this woman was 43 if I remember correctly but her body was smoking hot!  I have been with some women half her age who would envy such a body and of course she had mad skills.  The whole older women knowing what they are doing notion has proven true in the few times I've been there.  This one epitomized the idea of MILFS.  I definitely enjoyed myself.
So we're  laying there smoking a post coital bowl when she says "Fuck, I REALLY need to get out of here!  I had no idea it was so late.  My husband is going to be pissed!"

Cue record scratching.

HUSBAND?!
"Yeah we live right down the street."
WTF?! SERIOUSLY, bitch?  You little whore.  (the kettle calling the pot black)
I hope I don't run into this woman again, but chances are I will.  Note to self: keep away! 
That should probably teach me not to slut around and fuck random women from the bar, but it probably won't.  Don't get me wrong, I am not really promiscuous or anything, but sometimes a guy has to do what he has to do.  At the same time, I am such a hypochondriac, the idea of fucking a stranger should be down right disgusting.  Pussy is magic.

I REALLY need to move away from that bar!

Sidenote, completely unrelated: check out this chick's blog:
 http://mimiv.tumblr.com/

She is super hilarious and she has problems.  She even claims to have great boobs. How can you NOT take a peek?