DEPRESSION

Depression is a motherfucker.  I have always known I was prone to changing moods, being a relatively emotional and sensitive person, (despite my thick skin and verbal lashings) but this is bullshit.  Things shouldn't be so difficult.  I really don't have much to complain about.  I am also not dealing with it as I know how. I genuinely care about people and their feelings, yet I choose to make light of the various pains and tribulations life throws one's way.  That's how I deal with things. 
Lately however, I can't seem to find humor or joy in this rut that has become my life.  Each day has been bleeding into the next one and I couldn't care less whether its Tuesday or Friday.  I know tomorrow will be the same. I have also recognized an apathy in me I have never felt before.  I just don't give a fuck.  I don't even know why, but I feel as though I am willingly taking a sideline approach to my existence yet I don't even care about getting into the game.
This is all somewhat ironic given the fact I have made an effort at getting out there and doing more with myself in social, economic and artistic manner.  Other than not auditioning for shit like I should, I am doing exactly what I set out to do in this period of my life.  Why do I feel so empty sometimes? 
I recognize these are "normal" feelings and that everyone experiences ups and downs, yet I wonder if mine are more radical than most.  Some days (like today) it is a straight up STRUGGLE to even get out of bed in the morning, and it isn't because I want to sleep in.  It almost physically hurts sometimes.
I feel as though I am bitching and whining about nothing in particular, yet I know some of you out there have similar experiences which reminds me that as human beings, we have been blessed with such a wide range of emotions that allow us to love, hate and cry over every day happenings.  In this we are separated from the other animals.  Sometimes, however I wish I was a dog.
Speaking of dogs, it seems lately I have been obsessed with getting one.  Perhaps its the perpetual loneliness, isolation or basic lack of interest in people that drives this desire.  Maybe I just want an excuse to go on more walks with another being. While I normally have no issues with company, I haven't been connecting with most people the way I am accustomed to which leaves me with a vacant, lonely feeling I can't seem to shake.  It doesn't help that I don't really let that many people in. 
I have also had this nagging hamstring injury that doesn't allow me to play soccer or have any other physical outlet besides sex which almost always comes with strings and bullshit attached. 
Maybe I am simply emotionally unavailable...?
Now comes the anger.  Anger with myself for being such a whiny bitch.  Anger with my shitty, apathetic, self indulging, self important, meow meow attitude..  Anger with the fact that I know I am spoiled and have many natural gifts and talents yet I still find a reason to be unhappy.  Anger for having been rejected by someone I fell in love with.  Anger for allowing myself to have fallen in the first place.
After finding out Roberta died this weekend I try to remind myself how lucky I am but then become sick and tired of the self generated reminders.
I am also sick and tired of having such self defeating dialogues with myself:
"I fucking miss C so badly.  She isn't coming back.  You fucked up- again.  She doesn't love you and she never did.  Stop drinking, you fucking drunk.  Stop smoking so much pot.  Be fucking normal you punk ass, spoiled little brat.  You are a shitty brother, shitty son and a shitty friend.  You haven't accomplished shit in life.  No wonder your career isn't going anywhere, you lazy bastard.  No wonder she left."
And that's just the start- a bottle of Jameson later and these seem like compliments. 
Anyways, there really isn't any point in reading this self- loathing, pathetic, "poor me" rambling and if you have managed to get through this I can only imagine its because you feel better about yourself.  You should anyways.  Be thankful you aren't me. 
At the same time, I know tomorrow is another day and I genuinely do like myself most days.  This is just what being human is all about.  Without these moments, true bliss and happiness aren't appreciated and embraced, rather flippantly tossed to the side for another day.
I will be fine, after all.