Today's conversation with Donald was very entertaining. If you don't know who Donald is, I suggest you refer to previous posts to get an idea.
I walk into our lounge to find Donald munching on a half eaten bag of crackers as usual. Every day he eats half a bag of crackers, shoveling them into his mouth repeatedly but making sure to wipe his mouth incessantly, even in places that could not have come close to his cracker. He finishes half the newly opened bag and then hastily shoves them in the garbage as if infectious. I have yet to ask him why he wastes half a bag of crackers a day. Maybe I don't want to know.
Anyways, I ask him what's new and I get some incomprehensible garble about Jerry Brown and Meg Whitman and how Jerry got involved in some sex scandal years ago, claiming to have banged "that woman Monica Lewkisky" along with "The Bill". (I love the way he refers to Bill Clinton as The Bill, BillClin, and Billet Clit, my favorite) To be honest, I still have no clue what he was talking about, nor did I discern what the actual story was about, but I am sure I will find out in the news. I had to write about his excited, jumbled interpretation first. He went on to talk about how he loved Bill Clinton and about how Chelsea is getting married, Sarah Palin is a 'hot but idiot' woman, and Bristol is undoubtedly having sex despite her campaign promoting abstinence while wearing a hooker's uniform while dancing.
Next came MTV of course. I asked him if he saw the VMA's this weekend, which of course he did. Apparently his favorite part was when Gaga won her award for best video of the year and how much he loved her "Arab" outfit. He didn't like the meat dress though because he said the amount of bacteria on that thing must have been "astronomical"- leave it up to a scientist to consider microbes and food borne illnesses in regards to "fashion statements".
Then he went on to say that this year's awards were "spicy" and "very nasty" because "that Chelsea Handler was a dirty, dirty woman". He asked me if she was a singer or something and I informed him that she was a comedian with her own show who leaked a sex tape of herself years ago in an apparent attempt at promoting her stand up career. I have yet to see the whole thing, but I get the joke if she did it the way I imagine she would- good one, Chelsea. Nice tits, too.
Anyways, Donald began describing her "nasty" jokes by saying she kept on talking about penises and vaginas and that at one point she even joked about "looking inside vaginas" which was clearly very groundbreaking to him because he whispered in hushed tones while telling me about this and then quickly retreating into a fake conversation when someone else came in the room. I could hardly contain myself.
He is especially guarded when women come in the room, and I imagine in his world, discussing these things with a woman is purely off limits. He seems to be extremely traditional and old school when it comes to women, which causes me to avoid conversations about women and relationships. I would simply rather be entertained by his mannerisms and interpretations of pop culture than hear about him smacking his wife upside the head with wooden spoons or something.
He usually doesn't ask me much about my life, but today he asked me why I didn't have a girlfriend and I told him I guess I didn't know. I just didn't, and that's how things are sometimes, right? He stared down into the ground and lamented "No, for me, I have either been very lonely or crowded with the woman." Ouch.
He went on to remind me that marriage only ruins relationships and that at 31, I was way too young to get married. I'm not sure what world he is living in, but I do agree with some, albeit very few, of his views. At this point in my life, I do not see the point in getting married. I have no problem with commitment whatsoever, but I do think its almost the "fashionable" thing to do. Everyone around me is getting married, and FAST. Only a couple of them are seemingly ready, which is why I told my brother to go into family law.
I DO however want to go out on a double date with this guy and his wife so I am thinking once I date the right woman for this endeavor, I shall invite him. I know he will be down.
At the same time, I am not completely sure I want to see how he treats his wife, for fear that he may treat her like shit. That can really be bothersome.
I was confronted with a similar situation this weekend with an acquaintance of mine who called me up to come over and check out some football. I don't know that guy all that well, but its one of those "yeah hit me up" type deals where neither person actually calls the other. Well he called, so I went over with a fresh bag of herb. We sit down, he rolls a blunt and we start bullshitting about football, beef jerky and my obsession with getting a dog. Just then his girlfriend comes in the front door, sweetly says hello, gives him a kiss and introduces herself to me. She had clearly been at the store, so she goes to the kitchen, puts some shit in the fridge and asks if we need anything. We didn't, so she pops open a beer and comes and sits next to him on the couch. Seems like a good entrance, huh?
Apparently he didn't like this, and began making his displeasure known with uncomfortable sighs and slightly pushing her away as she inched closer. It was clear he didn't want her around, ignoring her, talking only to me, almost even skipping her in the blunt cycle. Soon enough I get bored with his babbling and ask her what she does, how long they've been together, etc. Right away he starts interrupting her and finally says, "you know what, I am kicking it with my homie, why don't you go do something with yourself?"
It was obvious this wasn't the first time he had talked to her that way.
"Baby I just got home, I haven't seen you this whole weekend"
"Whatever, I'm just trying to kick it and you come up in here all loud, bothering us and shit. I'll kick it with you later" as he turns his back to her.
She clearly looks rejected and hurt, but she gets up and goes out to the front porch to hang out alone.
I sat there befuddled for a few more minutes wondering if it was the herb or something else that made me misconstrue the situation, but soon realized, "no, this guy is just an asshole." She seemed kind enough, attractive and was very much into him, so I couldn't imagine why he would treat her so horribly. Had they been in a fight earlier? Either way, no one deserves to be talked to like that, especially in front of others. In the few times I had hung out with the guy he seemed very friendly, accommodating and honest but after witnessing him treat his girlfriend with such disdain, I wanted to get as far away from him as possible. Within two minutes of that blunt being done, I told him I "had to go see about a dog" and excused myself. I don't think I will be hanging with him again. In fact, now I wish I would have said something, but it probably would have just provoked him into being even shittier toward her. Cocksucker.
I like that excuse, BTW: "I have to go see a guy about a dog". My buddy R gave that to me and I had not used it until I finally saw a use and threw it in. I mean really, once you say that and then dart off, who's gonna ask questions? Its like in the movie American Psycho when he says "I have to go return some video tapes" when he needs to extricate himself from a situation. I once told a director I had to leave rehearsal early because I had to bleach my asshole and it didn't quite work out the way I planned. He erupted in laughter, disrupting his own scene and couldn't stop giggling until he finally stepped outside for a breath. Needless to say, he let me leave rehearsal early. I miss theater.
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